Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
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