omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
