I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
