I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
