So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
