I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
