make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
