How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
