i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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