You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
high people should be assigned attendants
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
