kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
this is an emotional support booty call
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
