I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
