Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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