this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
zippers are such a cool invention
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
