this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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