i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
