Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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