did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
