Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
