I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
barbara walters just said penis...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
