I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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