Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
