there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
