Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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