I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
