I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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