if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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