I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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