thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
