i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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