Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
