Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
