I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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