I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
