She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You made out with two different species that night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
