It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
