i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
