her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
