my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
