Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
