went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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