I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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