I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
