Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
