Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
