I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
