so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
