did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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