the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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