I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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