but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
