new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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