Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
