I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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