just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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